I want this.

I want to feel that about someone who feels the same way about me. Unashamed. Unafraid. Openly.

I don’t know how to get that; but I think that I know where to start.

Maybe I’m too aggressive?          Not aggressive enough?

Maybe I’m too intense?                Too nonchalant?

Maybe I shouldn’t have said that?

Should I have said it differently?

Did I scare him away?

I’m not perfect.

No emotional/psychological breakdowns and only a handful of panic attacks. I don’t think that there is anything about it that I would change. Nope. Not one bit.

2011 wasn’t made by what it didn’t contain but more so what it did. In order to appreciate what a fantabulous year that it was I’ve created my greatest hits of 2011. [I totally stole this from an episode in Season 3 of LOST. Charlie (my favorite character) made a greatest hits list of his entire life before he died (._.) and left it for Claire (his island girlfriend).] At any rate these are in no particular order as expressed by my social network updates and musings.

1. I entered into my first… whatevership (stole that term from here).                              It was mostly successful. He was an incredible amount of fun for the first few months. Actually, he was fun until the end. The relationship just stopped being fun. We both lost track of our resolve and got lost in trying not to have the feelings we were both developing. By the time we started addressing them it was too late. Distance made things even more difficult. All of the time that I spent hurting over him was not wasted but certainly not well spent. He’s a great guy who I’m sure will get everything that he wants and more out of life. And I am a great girl that will do the same.I can FINALLY sincerely say that I am over him. I hope someday we can be friends again. Following him back on Twitter will be the first step. He pushed, and still pushes me, to be better. To work hard, plan, strategize and achieve my goals. And he introduced me to Black Dynamite. [If you haven't seen it... shame on you. Below is the trailer for the Cartoon Network Series. Get on it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ku7AGHHWi8]
2. Lessons in Acceptance                                                                                           ‎”Easily with simple acceptance and thanks, she held her life. Without questions or suspicion she held her life. She held her life not tightly but surely, not jealously but respectfully.”  I’m still learning to take what is given to me. Be thankful for it. And transform it to be the best that it can be. I wanna get the first part tattooed on me.
3. Religion is a choice.                                                                                                                           “I guess you call it the only religion I have, one drum that can fit in my hand, but I think if I played it a little it might fill up the whole world.”                                                  My song is love.
4. Control.                                                                                                                              ”I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”                                                            I can’t control how people interpret my actions or what I do. So it goes.
5. Humor!                                                                                                                      “She raised the back of her hand to her forehead in feigned anguish — but suddenly she thought better of it, preferring to laugh instead, and so she sputtered with glee, bringing the fingers of the same hand to her pursed lips in a parody of decorum.”       
6. The Power of Distraction — Reading keeps me sane.                                               “I used to sleep with my books in piles all over my bed and sometimes they were the only thing keeping me warm and always the only thing keeping me alive. Books are the best and worst defense.”
   — Sherman Alexie (The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven)
7. Everybody Needs a little help sometimes.
8. Finances – I address them.
9. I only have one Mom. – I’m bettering my relationship with her. Progress.
10. My thoughts and opinions have merit. I shouldn’t be afraid to share them.
11. Inner Strength – it comes from trial. I am thankful.                                                        “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills.” – Ernest Hemingway

Happy Holidays friends. This is my absolute favorite time of year!

Ever since the start of finals week I’ve been waiting to go off. A literal time bomb.

I just need one good instance of disrespect to put me over the top. *sigh* This is no way to live. It is the Christmas season for goodness sake. The Christmas season never fails to make me happy… right?

This post is a ramshackle attempt to get my life together. hahahaha. [<---- As you can see I'm losing my mind.]

Here are the things that worry me:

1. Money
2. Money
3. Expectations
4. May 2012

In that order.

[Check this post to see what I'm working on.]

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it. I was just too busy to make one smooth pass.

As far as a review on the book goes. I would give it 3/5 stars.

Madame Bovary is a story of a young female in seventeenth century France. This was only my third French novel. (Les Miserables and Le Petit Prince were the first two.)  This is Gustave Flaubert‘s first published work and arguably his masterpiece. Flaubert was writer in the “Literary Realism” movement. Flaubert was a critic of the, contemporary, powerful bourgeois class. He, in accordance with Literary Realism, juxtaposed the bourgeois (represented by Madame and Monsieur Bovary) with the peasant class townsfolk.

The main character, Emma Bovary, is love starved. She is the child of a farmer and a product of her romance novels. She has romantic dreams of life love and marriage that her doctor husband Charles is unable to fulfill. As a result she begins to spend above their means and otherwise distract herself from her life. When this begins to fail she enters upon a series of adulterous relationships which fulfill her need for passion and romance. Albeit temporarily.

Emma Bovary believes in romance and beauty and intends to follow it wherever it leads her without thinking of the consequences. And for that I respect her.

It’s a little wordy but I think it’s worth a read. Especially if you sympathize with the disillusioned. At any rate give it a try. It’s a classic.

This morning I woke up from a particularly satisfying night’s rest and turned on my phone. I responded to a text message and deleted some emails. Then, to delay flipping off the covers and starting my day, I got on twitter and caught up on my timeline.

Mistake #1

Scrolling away through drunk tweets and #TwitterAfterDark funnies I spied a tweet from Negro J to Female B. True to Negro J’s tweeting form it was ambiguous. It piqued my curiosity so I checked the message stream.

Mistake #2

As I read the exchange between them the two sides of my brain engaged in battle. My pride just gained a big victory (I was right!) and simultaneously took an L. Someone else got chosen over me. And not that somewhat comforting “you don’t really know her” type person. It was a “I kind of know this girl and I heard about what she can do” type person.

I knew something was going on with them. I knew there was someone else. I figured it was her. This was confirmation. The proof that I was looking for. Right?

I went digging and they say don’t go looking for something unless you really want to find it. [Paraphrased but you get the point.] Men say that women are crazy but we’re really simple creatures when it all boils down. We’re human and humans have the same desire.

We want to be wanted.

Otherwise we wouldn’t wear fancy clothes, get our hair done, etc.

I wanted him to want me. Even though I made a pro and con list with the con side a mile long.

So… what was I upset about again?

- Grandma

I’m scared.